Mental Health Resources: Suicidality

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Common Feelings of Hopelessness

• Thinking or saying that things will never improve. It may include thoughts such as:
  • “This will never get better.”
  • “No one can help me.”
  • “I feel like giving up.”
  • “It’s too late now.”
• Making negative experiences bigger. For example, if you fail a test at school and then think of yourself as a failure as opposed to focusing on the fact that you failed one test.
• Ignoring positive feelings or experiences. In the test example, maybe you’ve had a lot of success in the class, but you can’t tap into those feelings of accomplishment. Instead, the one bad test makes the whole experience feel bad.  
• Imagining the worst-case scenario. Experts call this “catastrophizing,” and it means when something bad happens—let’s stick with the test example—you imagine the worst thing that could happen as a result: “I failed the test, so I am going to fail out of school.” 
• Not being interested in activities or events that once brought you joy.
• Feeling isolated and alone, or pulling away from friends and family.
• Blaming yourself for how you feel or believing that somehow the challenges you are experiencing are your fault.

(Jed, https://jedfoundation.org/resource/what-to-do-when-youre-feeling-hopeless-or-thinking-about-suicide/)

When to get help

Here are some warning signs to watch out for if you or someone you know is struggling with hopelessness:

• Intense feelings of hopelessness that last for two weeks or longer.
• Hopelessness without any apparent cause or trigger.
• Feeling tired all the time, a lack of motivation, or no longer enjoying things that used to bring joy.
• Cycling between feelings of hopelessness or depression and euphoria or feeling high.
• Sudden changes in sleep patterns, eating habits, or hygiene.
• Pulling away from friends and family.
• Having trouble in your relationships or your academic or work performance because of how you feel.
• Feeling the urge to hurt yourself or others.
• Using hopeless or defeated language such as, “What’s the point?” or “Life doesn’t matter.”
• Having suicidal thoughts. Even passing suicidal thoughts, such as, “It would be better if I died,” should be taken seriously.
• Engaging in reckless or suicidal behavior, such as increased drug use or risky sexual activity.

(Jed, https://jedfoundation.org/resource/when-to-get-help-for-hopelessness/)

How to Help a Loved One or Friend

Check in with them gently. Ask questions in a way that lets your friend know you care. Be open to listening to them, and respect that there may be things they don’t feel comfortable sharing. You may want to know more, but prying may cause the person to withdraw and make sharing harder for them down the line.

Be patient. Talking about their feelings may be difficult, scary, or overwhelming. Be respectful of what they feel ready to share with you. Show them you are a safe space for them to share their feelings at their own pace.

Show empathy. Don’t try to fix their situation, make them see the bright side of things, or shame them for feeling hopeless. (“But you have so much going for you!”) Instead, start with listening and then let them know you have heard them and understand this is a hard time. You can even repeat back to them what you have heard so they know you are working to understand what they are going through. 

Offer support. But offer it in ways that won’t harm or exhaust you. Support can range from just listening to more hands-on help like helping them find professional support.

Encourage them to seek professional help. There is a limit to what kinds of support friends can provide. Let your friend know a trained mental health professional, such as a school counselor or therapist, can provide help specific to their situation.

Share your own experiences. If you have struggled with hopelessness, sharing your experience and what brought you hope can make your friend feel less alone.

Keep inviting them to activities. Sometimes people who feel hopeless will withdraw from friends or activities they enjoy. Inviting them to spend time with you may help them feel less isolated and give them new positive experiences to look forward to.

Take it seriously if they mention self-injury or suicide. Do not keep it a secret, even if they ask you to.

(Jed, https://jedfoundation.org/resource/how-to-help-someone-who-feels-hopeless/)

Things Someone Might Say or Think

• Talking or thinking about wanting to die, “killing themselves,” or suicide
• Mentioning ways to end their life or making specific plans to do so
• Thinking or talking about feeling empty, alone, or “over it”
• Saying people in their life would be better off without them

Things Someone Might Do

• Say goodbye to friends and family
• Sleep less—or a lot more—than usual
• Eat much less—or a lot more—than usual
• Withdraw from people or social activities
• Stop taking care of their personal hygiene
• Increase their use of alcohol or drugs
• Act recklessly
• Have big changes in their usual behavior

Ways Someone Might Feel

• Extremely anxious, agitated, irritable, or angry
• Persistently sad or depressed
• Up and down in their moods 
• Hopeless, trapped, or without purpose
• Like a burden to others
• Numb or not interested in the parts of life they usually enjoy

Any of these signs can indicate that someone is considering suicide or that they are experiencing serious emotional distress and need support right away. 

It is also possible that someone is thinking about suicide and not showing any of these signs. 

The bottom line is: If you’re worried about yourself or a friend, trust that instinct and take action. 

(Jed, https://jedfoundation.org/resource/what-are-the-warning-signs-of-suicide/)

How to Ask Someone if They are Thinking about Suicide

There are a few important things you should know. Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. Many teens and young adults feel sad and hopeless, and some think about suicide. That doesn’t mean they’ll act on those thoughts, but it also doesn’t mean they’re just trying to get attention. It means they need help—sometimes immediately. The best things you can do are reach out to someone you are worried about and believe someone who tells you they need help.

• Pick a place and time to maximize privacy
• Start by expressing your concern and desire to help

Try phrases like:

“I’m worried because I noticed you [insert things you’ve noticed]. How can I help you through this?”

“It seems like you have been up and down lately. I’ve been there myself. Talking about it really helps.”

• Ask them directly if they have thought about suicide
• Keep the door open if they won't talk to you
• Stay calm if they say yes
• Listen and validate their struggle

You may feel the urge to tell your loved one about all the things they have going for them to try to cheer them up, but that will feel dismissive and make them less likely to open up to you. Here are some alternatives. What not to say:

“But you’ve got so much going for you!”

“What would I do without you?”

“Think of what this would do to X, Y, Z person.”

What to say instead:

“What you’re feeling sounds really painful and difficult. I don’t have all the answers, but I am here to listen.”

“I’m so glad you told me this. Let’s keep talking."

“I understand you are really struggling, and I am here to listen.”

• Tell them you want to connect them with help

If your friend, family member, or loved one is thinking of suicide, they need professional support and the most powerful thing you can do is connect them to it. Here are some things you can say: “Let’s connect you with someone who is trained to help you, like a school counselor or therapist.” “I know there are hotlines with trained counselors you can talk to in confidence. Would you like me to stay with you while you text one?”

• Don't promise to keep what they tell you a secret

If someone is thinking of suicide, they need professional support. It isn’t something you can keep secret. It is possible that they could be upset with you in the short term, but you need to do what’s best for them in the long run.

• Get immediate help if they are unsafe

See the box "Getting Help" below to find resources to get help now.

(Jed, https://jedfoundation.org/resource/how-to-ask-someone-if-theyre-thinking-about-suicide/)

How to Tell Someone You are Thinking about Suicide

Telling someone you are having thoughts about suicide is a brave act, and it can be difficult to do. Sharing your feelings is important, though, because it is the first step toward finding help. If you are feeling suicidal, you are likely feeling hopeless or helpless. Connecting with someone and sharing your feelings can help you feel supported and give you hope. It can be a huge relief to share your feelings, because it means you no longer have to struggle alone.

• Decide who in your Life you want to tell

Think about a person in your life who is a good listener, shows empathy and compassion, and thinks before they react. 

• Reach out in a way that feels comfortable to you

It may be easier to send a text first to tell your trusted person you need to talk about something important. Try this: “I have something important to tell you. I’m hoping we can talk alone soon.” A simple text like this communicates the importance of the conversation so your helper knows to set aside distraction-free time to focus on you.

• Be prepared for a few different responses

When you tell someone how you’re feeling, they may not know exactly how to respond and may have follow up questions. Think about how you will answer these questions:

• How long have you felt this way?
• How often do you have these thoughts?
• Are you worried you may do something soon to harm yourself?
• Do you have a plan for how you would do it?  
• What do you need to do to feel safe? 

These questions may sound scary or overwhelming, but honest answers will help the person who is helping you know what to do. 

Hopefully your person will take you seriously right away. But, if you aren’t feeling heard, you could say something like, “I really need you to hear me and help me. I am scared, and I need you.” If your chosen person does not help you, keep reaching out until someone does. 

If you are having suicidal thoughts but you’re not worried about harming yourself right away, be clear about that. The person who is helping you may not be sure if they need to reach out for more help or bring you to an emergency room, and letting them know that you are safe for the moment (if you are) is important.

• Be clear about what you are feeling

You don’t need to soften it for your support person. You chose them because you trust them to listen and help. 

It is OK, however, to start by sharing how you’re feeling about having this conversation. You could start with something like this: “I’m feeling anxious to tell you this, but I really need to get it out. It might take me a minute to find the right words.”

Pausing here actually gives you a chance to process and think through what you want to say next. Focus on your feelings and thoughts. Here are some phrases you could try:

“For the past [insert length of time], I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed/depressed/hopeless and having thoughts of suicide.”

“I think about dying [insert how often], and I’ve been experiencing other changes in my moods, like [insert changes].” 

“I have been feeling [insert emotions] and [insert the things that trigger these feelings] seem to make it worse.”

“I want to talk to a therapist/doctor to help me through this. Will you help me find one?”

“When I’m feeling this way, I need [insert things this person can do, such as listen, help you call a crisis line, or be with you].”

• Ask them to help you contact help
• Create a safety plan together if you currently feel safe

Now that you have someone to support you, you can create a safety plan together. A safety plan includes a list of resources you can access when you have suicidal thoughts, but it can also include affirmations, instructions for how to reframe your thinking, and a short list of things that give you hope on good days.

How to Create a Safety Plan

A safety plan can be stored in your phone to share with someone you trust when you have suicidal feelings. It can feel overwhelming to share these feelings as they’re happening, but showing your safety plan to someone who can help is a good way to get immediate support and help. 

The most important thing to know is that there is help and hope available. It may feel scary to say “suicide” out loud, but, when you do, you will discover you are no longer alone and you can find your way forward to feeling better.

(Jed, https://jedfoundation.org/resource/how-to-tell-someone-youre-thinking-about-suicide/)

For a comprehensive list of McFarlin books about suicide consult our library catalog. Some ebooks may require you sign into the library system before viewing; you will be automatically prompted if a login is necessary.